I woke this morning around 05:00 AM due to this crazy nightmare that I was having.  I was at work, see, and....well, actually, that’s it.  I was at work.  How horrifying, right?

Happy freaking Monday.

Sometimes the headline is enough to initiate the gag reflex.

Obesity surgery done via mouth, no scars

*gags*

The English language fascinates me.  I’m sure other languages would too but I really only know ‘Hola’, ‘Ciao’, ‘Lasagna’, and ‘Hasta La Vista, Baby’ so I don’t have that much to go on.  But the English language is pretty ding-dang interesting.  For example, did you ever notice that someone is a ‘danger to themselves and others’ but a ‘menace to society’?  No one is ever a ‘danger to society’ or a ‘menace to themselves’.  Of course, I’ve gone on before about ‘plummet’ in that you can only really ‘plummet to your death’.  Nobody ever plummeted off their chair in the caf or plummeted to their scratched up elbow.  Nope.  They plummet to their death.

And what’s up with ‘high heaven’ and how you can stink to it?  Or ‘two left feet’?  If someone with two left feet is super clumsy would the opposite be true?  Are the Olympic track teams loaded up with people that have ‘two right feet’?  Oh, and how about ‘battening down the hatches’?  I don’t think I’ve heard of anyone battening down anything else.  Have you?  Do you even have a hatch?  I know I don’t.  Well, ok, I have that one, but that’s a secret, k?

Why is Nellie always so nervous?  What makes McCoy so real?  Why are apple carts always getting upset?  And why the hell are smiles constantly being wiped off of people’s faces?

These are the thoughts that I woke up with this morning.  Thought I’d share.

You’re most welcome.

I’m always reading about frivolous 9-1-1 calls and end up scratching my head in wonder.  Today, however, was different.  Today I finally heard about a 9-1-1 call that actually makes sense.  I mean, who hasn’t wanted to call in the armed forces to rectify an under-shrimped situation?  God knows I have.  I just never had the cojones to actually make the call.  Thank goodness there’s women like this one from beautiful Haltom City, TX, that was willing to stand up, be counted and say “Damn it!  There’s just not enough damn shrimp in my damn rice!” God bless her. 

HALTOM CITY, Texas – A woman called 911 to report she didn’t get as much shrimp as she wanted in her fried rice at a Texas restaurant.
Haltom City police on Tuesday released the taped emergency call, in which the customer is heard telling the dispatcher, “to get a police officer up here, what has to happen?”
The customer also says: “He didn’t even put extra shrimp in there.”
The upset customer had left the Fort Worth-area restaurant when an officer arrived Monday afternoon.
Restaurant workers say the woman had been denied a refund after leaving with her order, then returning to complain.
Cook June Lee says nothing was wrong with the meal, and that “some customers are happy. Some are not.”

I just realized the other day that I am completely and utterly weather ignorant.  Everyone that isn’t me always seems to know what the weather is going to be for, like, the next month and I barely even know if it’s cloudy or bright at the moment.  How is that possible?  I mean, I’ll look out the window at work and see snow and be all “Hmmm...snow.  How ‘bout that.” Or it’ll be raining and I’ll be all “Hmmm...rain.  How ‘bout that.” Or it’ll be hailing cats and dogs and I’ll be all - well, you get the idea.

Oh sure, I try to be hip and join in with all of my non-weather-challenged friends.  “A big cold front coming in tonight?  Yeah, I TOTALLY knew about that!” Then I run in, change out of my shorts and into something more “cold appropriate” and stop wondering why all of my friends are wearing their cardigans.  I don’t wish to be a weather outcast and my friends never treat me as such but I’m pretty sure that they know the truth.

I think that I could overcome this flaw of mine if only I could get some help.  Maybe if the news would give us the weather as well.  Or, wait...wait...I’ve got it!  A 24 hour weather channel!  Eureka!  That’s IT!  I know it sounds crazy and maybe even a little stupid but they could have this TV channel where people would just tell you what the weather is going to be everywhere.  They could report on big storms and little storms and medium sized storms and have reporters stand out in nasty weather and get blown about and oh, how we’ll laugh!  Then they can…

Huh?  What’s that you say?  They already have one of those?  Have for years?

Oh.

Crap.

Oh right.  My blog.  I forgot about this.  Fortunately I remembered it, because I have something really important to talk about.  Yes, you’ve guessed it, I want to talk about awful company names.  Names like Xerox, Asplundh, Sbarro and Tteokbokgi.  Wait, that last one might be food.  Strike that.  I think companies, ALL companies should have names like Bob’s Printer Store and Jim’s Jam Company and The Really Fun Place to Buy Really Fun Things Place.  You know, easy to pronounce and figure out what they do/sell/service/etc.  Is that so much to ask?

Oh, and yes, this applies to people, too.  No more Gnuyngyn or Fitxemharpinflier or Xxztyllmpoo (although that last one is usually reserved for outer space creatures).  No, from now on everyone should be named Bob or Jim or FunPlace.  Or Buzz.  Buzz is good.  And last names?  Smith is acceptable.  Jones is ok.  Stuff is very good.

So come on, people.  Let’s get revolting!  No, I mean, let’s revolt!  Right.  Enough with the unnecessary tongue twisters.  In these difficult times we don’t need this kind of trouble.  We need our lives to be less complicated.  We need something, anything, to just be easy.  And I say that this is a good place to start.  So, whaddya say?  Meet me at Sbarro’s in an hour?  We can TAKE THEM DOWN!!!

Well, after I get a nice slice of pepperoni with extra cheese, that is. 

Sorry, I’m only human.

You know how you keep hearing people bitch about how the government is misspending the taxpayer’s money?  How my money, your money and your buddy’s money is being spent so poorly?  Well, lean in a little, my friends, because I have a little secret for you.  Come on, lean in.  A little closer...ok, perfect.  Ready?  Ok, here goes.

IT’S NOT YOUR MONEY!

Now I know that may be a bit of a shock but it’s true.  That money USED to be your money.  See, you paid your taxes (hopefully) and now that money belongs to the government.  If it was still your money, you could go get it.  That would be wicked cool.  Unfortunately, that ain’t a-gonna happen.

You may not like what the government is doing with the money that was once yours but please stop saying that they are spending your money.  They aren’t.  They are (mis)spending their money.

Doesn’t help, does it?  Sorry.

First there was James Brown, Godfather of Soul, whuppin’ all up on his woman.  Not cool, James.  Then there was Bobby Brown and his violent domestic escapades with his woman.  Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.  Tsk tsk.  Now there’s Chris Brown, singer extraordinaire, messing up Rihanna’s face.  Getttin’ all up in her grill.  Damn, dude.  That’s weak!

What the hell?  What’s with all these guys?  Why do dudes feel the need to hit their women?  It seems to me that when you get to the point where you feel the need to punch, slap, knee or apply a nice forearm shiver to your significant other, it may be time to just walk away.  Perhaps, just perhaps, the person that you are about to slug in the face is not really your soul mate after all.  Just sayin’, yo.

Oh, and you guys always wondered why I was so afraid of Murphy Brown.  Now you know.

I am home sick today and am doing what I usually do when I’m home sick.  I’m watching CNN.  Right now Senator Susan Collins from the lovely state of Maine is talking about the current Senate session and the discussion that they are having regarding the Stimulus plan and I keep giggling inside.  Why?  Becuase the interview is going a little like this:

Reporter:  “Senator!  Senator!  How’s it going in there?”

Senator Collins:  “It’s going well.  I believe that we are getting closer to a package the size of which we can all be comfortable with.’’

*giggles*

Reporter:  “Can you give us any specifics?”

Senator Collins:  “Well, without going into too much detail, I can tell you that we want to make sure that we don’t get a package that is too small for our needs. (*giggle*) We obviously need a large package.  A package larger than we’ve ever had before.  (*Giggle*) If we walk out of here with a package too small to provide relief (*GIGGLE*) then we have really have not done our job.  Of course, we don’t want a package so big that we will never recover from. That’s no good either.  The thing is, the package must be small enough for us all to swallow but big enough to stimulate.  What good is a stimulus package that doesn’t stimulate?”

(*literally ‘Laughs My Ass Off’ a little!!*)

And so on.  I know that this is really really important stuff, but if Senator Collins doesn’t stop talking about how big a package she needs I may bust a gut over here. 

And yes, I am twelve years old.

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