Every morning, while I get ready for work, I put on the local morning news.  And since I live on the outskirts of Philly, most of the local morning news is about murder and mayhem (and no, I’m not just talking about the Phillies this time).  So, I’m watching the boob tube this morning and, sure enough, they start talking about a recent murder or four (might have only been three but who’s really counting at this point?).  Then, and this is the best and the worst part all rolled up into one, they do their “man on the street” interview.  I swear to god, they must bus these people in.  First of all, if you want to be a Philly “man on the street”, I think I can help.  First of all, you should know that your chances grow in relation to the number of teeth that you have.  The fewer the teeth, the more likely the interview.  Simple.  Additionally, you stand a much better chance of getting some air time if you say “axe” instead of ask and do a lot of mumbling.  If you can make your eyes shake nervously in their sockets, you’re a shoo-in.

Today’s “man on the street” was actually a woman.  She was somewhere between 18 and 67 years old (the crack makes it so hard to tell these days) and kept putting an unlit cigarette in her mouth, then taking it out, putting it in, taking it out.  She stammered a lot, had about 7 teeth (jolly good job on that one), thought that the suspect seemed “nice” and didn’t actually know anything about anything.  Her complete lack of knowledge about the situation leads me to the obvious conclusion that she was interviewed on the basis of looks alone.  That’s profiling.  And as we all know, profiling is bad.

I think maybe it’s time to turn off the morning TV, put on a little ‘Dusty in Memphis’ and start my day off a little better.  What do you think?