Horror Movie Character Survival Tips

1. If the house you’re living in tells you to “GO AWAY”, do so immediately.

2. Never take a bath or shower with an MSDC (maniac/spirit/demon/creature) in the house.

3. When it appears that you have killed the MSDC, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it’s really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you’ve shot at it, shoot at it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you’re out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there.

4. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin spewing body fluids, it’s time to move out.

5. Never read a book that summons demons aloud, even as a joke.

6. Don’t look under the bed.

7. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

8. If tree’s, TV’s or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.

9. If relatives or pets come back from the dead, stay as far away from them as possible.

10. If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.

11. If you’ve hidden from the MSDC and you are not found, do not peek from or leave your hiding place. If you do, you will be seen and killed.

12. Never believe that your companion has truly become ”dispossessed.”

13. It is VERY, VERY dangerous to back into, or through rooms.

14. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run, and NOTE: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.

15. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER, EVER pair off, or go at it alone. The more people the MSDC is distracted by, the better “your” chance of escape. Splitting up is DUMB. If someone in your group suggests this, kill them. Even if they are not the MSDC, they are stupid and will get you into trouble later.

16. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

17. If demons begin possessing your companions, it’s a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.

18. If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.

19. If you’ve just finished running over the MSDC in your car, keep going. Most certainly DO NOT get out of the car under any circumstances
to see if he/she/it’s really dead.

20. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

21. Don’t fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.

22. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.

23. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.

24. If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don’t pick it up or touch it with anything.

25. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE YOU WILL
QUICKLY DIE. Translation: IT IS NEVER THE CAT!

26. If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, DON’T GO AFTER THEM, AND DON’T GO OVER TO THE SHORE AND LOOK IN! If you are in a boat, immediately head for shore.

27. If appliances start operating by themselves, leave the area immediately.

28. Do not take anything from the dead.

29. If priests won’t or can’t enter your home, start looking for a new home.

30. If the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.

31. If you wake from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren’t awake yet.

32. If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a good reason, Take the hint and stay away.

33. Don’t play with Ouija boards. If you do and the Ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave immediately.

34. If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately.

35. Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus

36. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

37. Make sure that your weapon is loaded before you try to use it. (Two
Words: Extra Bullets)

38. If your space ship gets an alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don’t stop to check it out.

39. Never put your back to or lean on a door.

40. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.

41. Never talk to clowns in sewers.

42. Never accept gifts form strangers, especially if you suspect that they are supernatural beings.

43. If you‘re running from the MSDC, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand the good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don’t see the MSDC chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the MSDC is now in front of you.

44. If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness,marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.

45. Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on theaverage, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

46. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog
(God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

47. Beware of the transvestite doctors that sing.

48. Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep ‘Redrum’ in stock.

49. Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawn mowers,knives, soldering irons, stun guns, flame-throwers, and saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, catapults, tactical warheads, high-powered rifles, gophers, food processors, gophers in food processors, lambchops, axes, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, tanks, any weapon resembling Margaret Thatcher, or Alludium q-36 explosive space modulators.

50. If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky \slimy
\resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and runimmediately or you will be killed.

51. If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don’t touch it, don’t thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.

52. If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction.
If there is no exit, make one.

53. Any light source dependent on fire is inadequate, especially during a thunderstorm, where common characteristics include high winds and rain.

54. Check your batteries before entering any structure that is not well lit and open. If the structure is well lit and open, check them anyway.

Posted by Buzz at October 31, 2003 01:42 PM